Monthly Archives: April 2018

Goodbye Calder

This is the place that I have written about food, well kind of about food, but truly more about me, buried under the “food” banner.

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Fushimi Inari Shrine, Kyoto

It definitely started out as a place to write down recipes and served as the platform to make me write more regularly. I have always loved writing, but clearly, not enough to call myself a writer, or even a blogger. But blogging is hard because the means: blogging, is supposed to have an end. Well the end is that everyone reads the posts and you become famous or something like that…and if that’s the aim then I have failed miserably. I didn’t go by the book and write catchy posts or drop the F bomb or I don’t know, didn’t do whatever it takes to become popular.

So what did I get, or am I getting out of spending hundreds of hours at this point writing in a public way about what I deem as important? Well, even though I have failed in the blogger superstar sense, I have totally succeeded as I am still writing when it is important, to me.

At the beginning, everything was important, but right now, I only write about whatever matters to me, so I can read it later and recall those feelings. Your feelings right in those moments are real and even when you look back and maybe have regrets or doubts, or are proud, the feelings in that moment go away. And, you even forget how you felt. We live every day and we change I suppose. But do we really change? I have no idea. When I meet people who I haven’t seen in years or even decades, they say to me, “you haven’t changed a bit”. This is supposed to be a compliment of sorts, like we are still ourselves or still genuine, but at the same time it is a baffling thing to hear. Wow, is this the me I was 20 years ago after all that has happened or after all I have been through? It is a weird question to grapple with, especially since my life, to me, seems to have changed a lot.

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This place (Fushimi Inari Shrine) is important to the story I will tell)

But before I say how my life has changed I want to thank this blog of mine for saving some of the things that I felt important enough to write about that I know for sure I would have forgotten. I might not have forgotten the day, but I most definitely forgot how I felt in that moment. It is why I am writing right now. I have to recall this moment because tomorrow it will just be me trying to remember how I felt, as opposed to right now, writing about the exact thoughts and feelings as I am experiencing them. And who will read those thoughts are just people like me who read a couple of blog posts a few times a week and in that moment are moved or interested, but mostly the content is lost and you only remember the things that you connected with etc etc. I am writing this to me because I have found if I write with an audience in mind I am not as honest or as free.

Dinner is over and in the past it is a dinner I would have written about. It is Easter Sunday and as I have never gone along with traditional meals for the occasion, I was thinking about making Chicken And Waffles. I don’t even know for sure what that is but my son, Calder (ah the blog is about him, Not Thee Calder!) had been talking about them for a while now. He has always loved giving me suggestions or requests of what to make for dinner and he must have read about it or seen it somewhere while watching something on the internet.

But I do have to tell you that what I did make was very good actually. We had fried  Salmon which was  marinated in a lime soy sauce mixture on a bed of Festival rice (our version of this tonight was rice and fried vegetables, which consisted of whatever I had in the fridge: onions, lacinato kale and mushrooms from a local farmer, and yes, that sounds uppity and pretentious but the kale is my go-to green and the mushrooms were a surprise, given to my kids from a farmer they visited).

Well I never owned a Waffle Iron and it is such an American gadget to me, it never occurred to me to own one. But now I wanted one because there was an urgency to please my son. I started looking at them over the past few weeks but I couldn’t justify buying a cheap crappy one but also couldn’t really afford to go all out for a really good one, especially if it was going to end up being one of those space-wasting things that never got used.

My decision was made for me when I happened upon a store-wide liquidation sale and got a fairly decent one for 80% off. It was meant to be.

It was meant to be because I was counting down the days to the 6th of April when myself and my daughter would accompany Calder to his new home for the next two years: Kyoto Japan.

Well the waffle iron got used and we made the long-awaited trip to Japan and I couldn’t finish my account because before the trip it was too difficult to get a handle on all of those cursed feelings. Mostly though, I was so overwrought by worry, I couldn’t find the perspective I was looking for. This was a good thing and I didn’t want the protective mother that I am color everything I wanted to say about my beloved son Calder and his amazing adventure. 

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Now I feel ready to write the goodbye I had in mind.

Stay tuned…